TO ATTEND: Munches

Back when I was pregnant with Carter (just over 5 years ago now…), The Boyfriend and I began attending munches. It had been on my to-do list forever and a day, and finally, after months/years of begging, the stars finally aligned and I went to my first munch.

Our first actual time out going to a munch was not that great of an experience. As total newbies, very awkward already in social situations, we both went into it with absolutely no balls whatsoever. We ended up not even being able to get up the courage to walk over the rather intimidating table.

However, surprisingly, that didn’t deter us altogether. We ended up hooking up with another group and went out the next month and had a great first experience. Both of us walked away from the experience full of life, full of ideas and if I remember correctly, had some of the kinkiest sex ever. For the rest of that pregnancy almost, we were attending munches and our relationship (in my humble opinion) has never been better.

Even though The Boyfriend was still his ole vanilla self the entire time, he seemed to be able to comprehend my kinks a little bit better. Sadly, after Carter was born, the person who ran the munches we really loved moved away due to illness and The Boyfriend’s understanding of my desire for kink went out the window.

Every month I say to him, when the notification comes up in my FetLife group, “We should go to the munch this month”. Sometimes, he’ll be working and the hesitance is understandable. Other times, he won’t be working – but again, the understanding for my desire went out the window…

I have never wanted to attend munches on my own, not initially anyways. I’m not opposed to doing it alone, it’s just…

This is always such a hard thing for me to explain. When I’m going to a munch, I look at that as exploring my sexuality, even though often times there is no sexual exploration involved. But I don’t look as my sexuality that as something that I can pack up and shut down for the night, it’s a thing that I carry with me everywhere I go. My sexuality very much defines me, and I would appreciate it staying that way. I have no intention of extracting my sexuality from any part of my identity, for any reason, at any time.

So, when I go to a munch, the only real place in the world where I can just hang out with people without worrying about the parts of my identity that the world/society deems deviant, I want to share that freedom with my partner. I want to share that most primal and most authentic part of myself with my partner. It’s very much about exploring my sexuality, my identity, me.

And if I were single, maybe I’d be interested in going it alone. I don’t know that for sure one way or another, because I’m not single and I haven’t been truly single for huge portions of my adult life. But as a person in a monogamous relationship, I want to explore my sexuality with my partner, and so going to a munch (as innocent as it is) can, in many ways, feel like cheating when you go it alone. Again, I don’t know this for hard fact, but it is what deters me from doing it… If that makes any sense?!?

Ideally, The Boyfriend and I would make it a priority to attend a munch every single month. I understand that this is not always possible due to work and it’s even hard when thinking about kids, but even if we just went every couple of months. If he can’t come, it would be nice if I still got to go. For that, I think I’d need a dedicated munch buddy or something…

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TO HAVE: A FFM Threesome

For many years of my life, I was kind of known for threesomes. Alfie and I had joked with a friend once about having a threesome and next thing you know, we’re having threesomes constantly. Really, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but every couple of months, pregnant or not, we’d find some poor sucker to join us in the bedroom.

It was probably the only area of Alfie and I’s relationship where we had any clear and defined boundaries. Or at least, that was true for all the MFM threesomes we had. And they were all so uncomplicated. Only one MFM experience was a bad one and even at that, if I were in a different un-pregnated headspace for that one, I probably wouldn’t have ever though it was a bad experience.

However, with women, it was always bad. Twice we tried and twice we failed so miserably that I lost friends and he gained some. I kissed a girl with braces and didn’t like it – he liked it too much. I got insecure with another girl and didn’t like it – he liked it too much. Both times ended with me down in my room crying and him carrying on like nothing had happened…

And you’d think the two bad experiences would turn me off the concept entirely. You’d think I’d be so hung up on it. And yet, here I sit, still wishing I could have a successful FFM threesome.

I don’t know what it is about it that is such an attractant to me, even after my bad experiences. I mean, of course, I just want to be with a woman without a man’s presence. But, I also want to be with a woman with a man’s presence. Something about the duality of it… The feminine and the masculine.

I know what a threesome feels like, and I know what it feels like when it’s two guys. But what does it feel like when it’s two girls and it’s comfortable like it is with two guys? What does it feel like to be getting the best of both genders at the exact same moment?

I need to know!!

TO DO: Get a Tattoo

I’ve wanted a tattoo, the same tattoo, since I was 13. When I was 13, I was told I couldn’t get it until I could do so without needing a parents permission. When I was 18 and could go get a tattoo, I was pregnant and broke. For the first time, in a really long time, I’m neither broke nor pregnant and I don’t need my parents permission.

However, I have still yet to get my tattoo. This is mostly because of fear (which you can see from previous posts is something I struggle with) but it’s also because now I don’t know what I want first.

My original tattoo, the same one I’ve wanted since I was 13, is a scary first tattoo. First of all, it’s big. Second, it’s on my back, near my kidney-like area. I don’t know if I’ll like tattoo needles or hate them. I keep thinking maybe I should start with something smaller. What I really want is some decorative f-holes like the ones found on a violin, but with my own little flair.

The Boyfriend and I have also always wanted to get matching tattoos representing our kids. Neither of us have ever really thought about a design for that tattoo but we both know that we want something with all the kids first and middle names. I’d like us to get it on the same spot on our bodies, but who knows where.

The Boyfriend already has two tattoos. One on his right bicep and one on his left upper arm.

The Boyfriend's Tattoo

The Boyfriend’s Tattoo

 

The right one is almost like a tribal arm band and the other is a fire-breathing dragon. He also really wants to get another tattoo, either on his back or chest, of an animal and another animal fighting each other (cannot for the life of me remember the two animals and I don’t want to say what I think it is, because I don’t want to be wrong…). At least he knows what to expect…

I always wanted to have a lot of different body modifications and at one point had planned to have my entire body covered in tattoos and about 13 different piercings. Now, I’ve decided against getting anymore piercings, except maybe a couple nipple piercings (although The Boyfriend hates that idea). But tattoos… I know I want at least one big one on each of my arms, I have a huge list of ideas for my back, something near my feet would be awesome, and possibly something on my chest.

I’m quite concerned about stretch marks, since a lot of my back and stomach are covered by them. I’ve always wanted to get a wrap-around tattoo, one that comes over my hips and something right above my pubic area, but with the c-section scar and all the marks, I just don’t think it’s going to be possible. Not and still look relatively decent. Especially as I age.

But f-holes and my family one at the very least!

TO DO: Get Back to Twitter

Forgive me Internet, for I have neglected.

It has been 13 months (exactly!) since I last posted to my personal Twitter account.

Whew! I feel a little bit better. Ugh, now that that weight has been lifted off my shoulders, can I just say, I cannot wait to get back to Twitter. I don’t even know what ever happened to make me stop tweeting…

It’s that time of year where I say that I’m not going to make resolutions then go right on making them all over the place. This year however, I am not living in denial and I am just outright saying that I’m setting some resolutions. Maybe it will result in me actually accomplishing something, who knows?!?

So, my first official resolution for 2015 (and even though I’ve already given it away), drumroll please…

I am totally coming back to Twitter. January 1st, come rain or come shine, no matter what device I’m forced to use, I will be tweeting again!

Until then, be sure to follow me on Twitter and enjoy this collection of 13 of my favorite Twitter memories (for the 13 months I’ve been gone).

TO DO: YouTube…

I’ve always been on YouTube… I’ve always had a channel in one incarnation or another, I’ve always been on YouTube, but I’ve never really stayed on YouTube… And I really have always wanted that to change and over the last couple of months, that desire just keeps growing stronger and stronger. Tonight, it is nagging me very loudly…

I don’t remember when it was that I first joined YouTube, but it was a really long time ago. I initially signed up thinking I wanted to be able to easily save all the videos I was watching and loving. This was way back in the day when I watched a lot of YouTube. Then, when I realized you could upload stuff to YouTube, it didn’t take me long to jump on that bandwagon.

I’m pretty sure my first real-live video on YouTube (which I think I later deleted and only recently recovered from Facebook where I had also uploaded it) was of my then year old daughter Kaeidyn freaking out that I should play “Daddy’s Getting Married” by Bif Naked on the guitar, as I was playing it. Once she realizes, she goes crazy. This was that video:

Next, I uploaded some more guitar playing and eventually deleted my original channel and all the great videos I had amassed doing that (although it was probably only about 13). I came back a few years later with a couple more guitar covers and a few piano covers and a couple videos the kids had made or whatever and then basically just abandoned my channel.

I still have it, but havent uploaded anything to it since my cover of The White Sripes “Fell in Love with a Girl”. I had had this big plan then to come back with a regular occurence of videos and with all these ideas and then life blew up and took a crap all over itself and the idea was abandoned just like the channel.

A few months ago, The Boyfriend started talking about YouTube all the time. He is, as I’ve probably said before, a little obsessed with gaming. He always says that he needs to start making YouTube videos about games. And over the past few weeks, more and more everyday, I’m thinking about how I miss doing the YouTube thing and that I’ve never done it the way that I want to do it and I want to do it…

Now, it’s just a matter of taking the steps that go from thinking to doing, because I’ve done so darn much of the thinking that the only option left is to start some of the doing. And in the last 30 minutes alone, I’ve come up with so many concepts for things that I’d like to be doing, that I just keep saying to myself, “So, just do it…!”.

I also have all of The Erotic Writers Group stuff to consider as well, because more than getting my personal self out on YouTube, I want to get this going without a doubt. I have so many great ideas for The Erotic Writers Group on YouTube. Previously we did our group hangouts “Tuesday Topics” and to a great succes, by my awesomely low standards. And I always wanted to do more…

I have files and files of online documents dedicated to all of my great ideas for all of these great videos for all of these great enterprises (ie. Myself and The Erotic Writers Group, duh!), and I’m sick of sitting on all of it. I’m sick of letting all of these opportunities pass me by.

It’s time to just suck it up and do YouTube!

TO DO: House Rules and Family Meetings

My family is a disorganized mess! For many years, this has worked for us. During their baby and toddler years, flexibility was absolute, especially having them all so close together, being less structured made more sense – as I was deadset on raising independent, free-thinking, personality-filled little individuals. I’ll let you know right now, I succeeded, maybe almost too well…

Now, as they’re all in school and their days are taking on more structure, it’s important that we as a family start introducing some structure. However, the concept is absolutely foreign to us. More foreign than the Chinese or Swiss. Structure is just something we’re not used to, or even really desire for ourselves, but moreso need for the sake of our family and their sanity (mostly my sanity)!

I’ve talked about a lot of these issues in past posts, including the still needed routine, the once-a-month cooking, and the desire to create a household management system. But really, it’s all about building a foundation.

I like to relate to a book I read by Iyanla Vanzant. When I was at the worst part of my depression, many moons ago, I was utterly obsessed with Oprah Winfrey. And everyday before Oprah, one of her regulars had a show called Starting Over (which I desperately wanted to be on) and this is how I came to know of Iyanla Vanzant. Anyways, in this book she looks at life like a house. You have your foundation, first floor and so on and each level represents different aspects of your life, like your values, beliefs, things you were taught, etc.

Well, as my homegirl Alanis Morisette says (we’re like this *crosses fingers*), “My foundation was rocked…” – and mine definitely is. And it’s beginning to crack. Okay, enough with the pop culture references!

What we need to do, as a family, is create some basic rules and some consequences for breaking those rules. I’m talking about foundational rules. For example, my kids have a very bad habit of blatantly disrespecting me, like when I tell them to do something, they’ll get right in my face and shout no and then will sit down and do whatever they want. While I deal with these situations, it seems to be completely ineffective and I think there are a few reasons why that is.

First of all, we don’t have a hard and fast disciplinary action. Often, it changes depending on mood and time of day and season of the sun – who knows why it changes for sure, but it does. One time, it will be get sent to their room, the next time it might be lectured or put in a time-out, other times, I’ll throw my hands up in the air and walk away speechless.

Second of all, we don’t have hard and fast rules. We are rather flexible parents and the rules can often change. For example here, one day Kaeidyn wasn’t allowed to walk to the store by herself and then one day she was. Originally, the rule was no friends on the walks with her, but then she ended up running into a bunch of them on the way home (there is a park between our house and the store), and now the rule is only on the way home. So, a lot of times, the rules are in constant flux.

All of these things would be easy to deal with, in my opinion, if we had some ground rules and a regular forum for us to discuss any changes – especially as the kids all get into pre-teen and teenagehood. Especially if I ever go back to work!… Ugh!

In a Perfect World…

First, as a family, we sit down and draft up these house rules. We say to each other, “this is what we want as a family, this is how we’re going to achieve it as a family, this is how we’re going to behave along the way, and this is what happens when we don’t” – basically, in short, a vision statement.

Then, we figure out a way to display it all nice for the family to see. This way we’re constantly reminded of the rules. We’re constantly reminded of what it is we want to achieve. I want it to be pretty but also functional for us.

Finally, every couple of months, we revisit the rules and the family vision statement and see if how we’re doing things is working and what, if anything needs to be changed.

Definitely something to work on… Anyone have any experience with this sort of thing?

When I Grow Up… I Want to Be a Fetish Photographer

I absolutely love taking pictures. From the time that I had my first baby and also received my first camera, I’ve always enjoyed taking pictures. First, my subject was a baby. Then, it became flowers and trees and water. From there, after a walk in the river in my bedazzled flip-flops, I became very interested in footography and had my first really true desire to become a fetish photographer.

For many years prior to that, I was very interested in the modelling aspect or being on the other side of the camera lens, but had never actually considered myself behind the camera. Since them, I’ve gone from wanting to take simple pictures of feet to wanting to do the whole fetish photography stint and even so much as filming my own erotic fetish movies.

Outside of some sexy shots in the bedroom with The Boyfriend, this is one that will most likely live on in fantasy forever – in terms of ever getting really good at it. Currently, when we’re feeling adventurous, we’ll set up the webcam to record a romp or whip out his cellphone to snap a sex shot, but things like lighting, positioning, shutter speed, etc., completely elude us.

This is another one of those ones that is so tied in with everything else that I want, because I’d love to have a dungeon where I could capture/record. I’d love to have really nice lighting equipment and some cool DIY lights, and a really awesome camera that I handpick for myself and some incredible lenses to work with.

Then of course, there’s the models and the actual shoots. And I have a huge list of ideas that I’d like to see done for images and absolutely no idea how feasible any of them are in reality. Just so much that I’d like to try and just haven’t yet…

Definitely would like to get better behind the camera and definitely would like to do some erotic photography.

TO GET: Lingerie… Lots of Lingerie.

UPDATES

Despite my rantings over the last few days (here and here), I actually really love lingerie. I’ve always wanted lots and lots and lots of it and have always been wickedly jealous of my sister who has amassed a relatively decent collection of it. I want lingerie really bad, but have never been courageous enough to actually try any on (except what my sister has convinced me to try of hers – which often just does not fit me the way it fits her), let alone buy any for myself.

Once, The Boyfriend and I were walking through Wal-Mart and came across a cute little bustier/panty-set. We picked that up and broke it in the first night of sex, and have never ever bought lingerie again. I’ve gone through bouts where I will look at it constantly online and he’ll go through bouts where he’ll want to watch porn that has some lingerie in it, but other than that, lingerie just doesn’t really enter our mindframes very much.

It’s also because I’ve been notorious for absolute commando-ism for a good many of years. I wear bras when I’m going out somewhere and have to look really good, like a job interview or a night at the strippers. Since those things don’t happen for me anymore, there’s just no point. Plus, I like the way it feels to let my boobs bounce freely, and my nipples enjoy the sensation of soft t-shirt fabrics, and the underwear thing – let’s just get real – all of this stuff is just plain uncomfortable when you’re walking the kids to school, or sitting around the house working on the computer.

So, it just doesn’t occur to me to put too much focus into undergarments in general.

In a Perfect World…

However, this is not the way I want it to be at all. What I really want, more than anything, is a huge closet dedicated to all the sexiest of lingerie and footwear one’s mind can imagine. I want an entire section dedicated to leather and latex, leather for the smell and feel, latex for the shinniness. Then, I want some girly pieces that are frilly and lace-y.

Babydolls, chemises, thongs, g-strings, bras, bustiers, micro mini-skirts, breast-baring see-through tops, cute accessories and lots and lots of stockings and garter belts. An entire area with corsets beautifully stored in special corset bags, ones for wearing during the day and ones for wearing during the night.

And then the shoes. Oh the glorious shoes. I think I’d need a whole closet dedicated to just the shoes. Flats, heels, boots, oh my! Even if you had no fetish whatsoever for shoes, it would be a *drool* moment.

And in a perfect world, I would wear my lingerie every single day under every single thing everywhere I went. And when The Boyfriend came home from work, I’d show glimpses of what I was wearing and it would be so hard to guess because I’d have so much of it that he wouldn’t be able to keep up. And of course, the greatest gift he could give me would not be flowers or diamonds, but lace and leather and peep-holes and cut-outs and frills and sexiness!

TO GET: Rope and a Rope Tote

UPDATES

Before I was interested in impact play, long before I was interested in edge play and even before I was interested in power exchange, I’ve been interested in rope bondage. Seriously, have you ever seen how beautiful some of this stuff looks?!? From just regular old rope harnesses to full out shibari art, it’s all so epically beautiful!

I don’t want just one kind of rope either. I want a variety of different ropes, of different textures and different thicknesses and a super rainbow full of colors, red and black dominating!

I want a super useful little rope tote (preferably one I craft myself) that will hold all my beautiful ropes in such an organized manner that upon opening my rope tote, I will have a mini-orgasm, because it will just be such a delight to the eyes! My rope tote would also include necessities like a handy place for some safety scissors and a pocket for water and snacks.

Then, after I get the rope and the rope tote, not only am I officially going to write a poem using that line, I am also going to learn how to use rope come hell or high water! With or without a consenting participant. And this is exactly how that is going to happen:

  1. Get a Sewing Dummy or MannequinWhichever is easier to acquire at this point. Hell, I’ll even go for a pole the approximate width of a human arm! Just something to get used to wrapping rope around and then tying knots around.

    I’ve heard sewing dummies are great practice tools and if you could get your hands on a mannequin, I’m betting it could be pretty good too. If I can’t have a partner, I’ll have a doll for it!

  2. Read and Research Even MoreAlthough I’ve been doing this for years and years and years and years, it’s always important to be learning. And while the major information about rope play has definitely stuck with me through all the years, the little details might be lost. So, refresh on the reading and researching. Scour the whole entire world for resources, if I have to!
  3. Munch, Workshop, Play PartyThese three things deserve posts all their own (and I’ll probably get around to that eventually), but it’s been a long while since I’ve been active in my local community. Too long actually. The best way to learn is to get out there and observe, inquire, discuss, etc. You can only do so much of that from behind the screen of an electronic device. So out into the world I must go!
  4. Begin Practiciting, and Do It CONSTANTLY!Kind of self-explanatory. But ideally, I would be setting aside a certain part of the day, every single day, of quiet Mommy time where I simply focus on practicing. Practicing my knots, practicing placement on my dummy, experimenting with safe self-bondage, such as a calf gauntlet – just to get the feel of things. And do it all the time until I feel 100% comfortable using rope.

Maybe I’ll add this to my birthday wishlist and it can be a sex toy and some rope. How fun would that be?

TO DO: Once-A-Month Cooking

One of my biggest goals is to create some sort of manageable routine that our whole family can depend on. There are many of small steps that must be taken in order to reach the top of the routine staircase and once-a-month cooking is one of those steps.

I cannot even tell you how many times a month, cooking goes on the absolute back burner in this house. As the primary cook in our household, I am really bad at my job. First of all, I love the idea and concept of cooking a lot more than I actually like to cook. Cooking kind of reminds me of doing dishes – I dread getting up to go and do it, but once I’m there I enjoy myself well enough, and once it’s over, I never want to do it again. Generally, my place is not in the kitchen!

I also wouldn’t say that I’m a skilled chef. I tend to make a lot of the same meals and any real chef will tell you I’m doing it wrong every step of the way. To this day, every single time I make a roast, anyone who wanders past my oven will gape and moan about the atrocities being committed. My Mom, to this day, every time I cook that roast will comment that she can’t believe that it’s as good as it is being that I just killed an already dead cut of beef… And my lack of skill doesn’t necessarily reflect on the taste or quality of my meals, since I’ve never had a single person (not even my sometimes picky kids) say that my food wasn’t good.

I tend towards massive limitations on the type of foods I’m willing to eat as well, which make the whole once-a-month cooking idea that much more daunting for me. In our house, I am definitely the pickiest eater. I’m not a huge fan of any fruits and the only vegetable I eat regularly is corn. I seem to really enjoy foods that come in cardboard boxes – although I think that’s more learned than it is actual enjoyment. But things like onions, mushrooms, the things you normally add for additional flavoring in freezer cooking, really turn my taste buds off. Just writing them makes me cringe a little…

However, all those negatives and excuses now being laid out, I cannot stop obsessing over the idea of being able to easily pull out a basically prepared meal from the freezer and have dinner on the table with only a tiny bit of preparing. And most definitely a lighter clean-up. It just looks and sounds like a blissful experience. What? I just have to pop this in the oven for dinner tonight? Like a pizza? It’s perfect!!

I’ve read many things about this fantasy land known as freezer cooking. They all say the same things, but I often wonder, can I really do this? Is this really me? It’s something I would like to try and at least be capable of providing a definitive answer to that last question.