TO BE: Polyamorous

Just an FYI to start – I absolutely hate the way the title looks and would prefer it to say something else, but I’m attempting to follow a format – so bear with it!

******

Growing up as a kid, I never knew that there was any other relationship dynamics than together with your husband or separated/divorced from your husband. I heard of the gay people who lived in the United States and I knew that some women and men chose perpetual singledom. However, I did not know anything other than this was even possible.

I always assumed that it was just the natural progression of things. You grow up, you get a husband so that you can have babies, and then you either live happily ever after or get divorced and repeat… I never felt like this was what I wanted, but I did really want babies – so I must need a husband, was kind of my thinking.

I remember doing a school project in Grade 2 or something. My Mom loves to tell this story when it comes to the amount of kids I have. We had to cut pictures out of magazines and make almost like a vision board for our future. I cut out 26 kids in total… 26! The very last thing I cut out, because it was the very last thing on my mind, was a husband…

At 14 – you can totally tell this was like the age of my sexual awakening – two things happened. My sister had her first girl-on-girl experience and suffered massive backlash from this (more from an internal standpoint) and the show KINK became Friday’s indulgence. I know I’ve said it before, but thank goodness for Friday Night Without Borders!!

My eyes were opened to the endless possibilities of relationship dynamics. You mean, a girl doesn’t have to marry a boy? And boys can be with other boys? And you can have intimately, deeply connected relationships with people without any sex? And normal everyday people do it? My mind was blown!! Sometimes, it still is.

In my personal life, I have never been fully satisfied by the dynamics of my relationships. Probably because I am always wanting to push the boundaries and I tend to pick guys who like to stay safely within the lines. Without really meaning to, or every consciously making the decision, I’ve spent the majority of my adult life in monogamous relationships.

My first boyfriend, 2 1/2 years, totally monogamous, age 14 – 16. Alfie, 5 – 6 years, mostly monogamous, age 16 – 21 (see TO HAVE: A FFM Threesome). The Boyfriend, 6 years, monogamous, age 21 – present. Each of those had about eight months, give or take, between them…

But I wouldn’t say that monogamy has been my choice. With Alfie, I loved to have M/F/M threesomes and did so rather frequently. At the beginning of our relationship, we had an agreement that he was the only one who could penetrate me vaginally. By the end, that rule had gone and on more than one occasion he left while another guy and I carried on. I technically cheated on The Boyfriend with Alfie for the first couple months of our relationship.

From my first exposure to it and ever since, I have had a fascination with polyamory. I read about it a lot and when I consider it in terms of consensual, open, honest relationships with more than one person, I can’t help but be completely swept up by the idea of it. It sounds like a blissful experience and one that I want to have.

I don’t want to just fly by the seat of my pants with it and just start sleeping with random people and open up my life to drama, jealousy, and unnecessary risks. But I often fantasize about adding additional partners to my relationship.

With Alfie, I hated the idea of him going off and having sex with another person. The threat of him leaving me was always present without any competition, I was too insecure, there were lots of reasons and he did absolutely nothing to settle those fears. If anything, he did things to heighten them and extend them.

With The Boyfriend, I don’t feel immediate rage when I consider him having sex with another person. I feel entirely secure and comfortable in this relationship. Albeit, I’d want to be allowed to have a say in some boundaries and I’d like to be included in a budding relationship and the fantasy only stays hot when those boundaries are in place, but for the most part, I’m incredibly open to the concept of it. When I say this to him, he always says “But I don’t want anyone but you…”. He is a serious monogamist!

If I could though, I think I would choose to be polyamorous.

Advertisements

TO HAVE: A FFM Threesome

For many years of my life, I was kind of known for threesomes. Alfie and I had joked with a friend once about having a threesome and next thing you know, we’re having threesomes constantly. Really, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but every couple of months, pregnant or not, we’d find some poor sucker to join us in the bedroom.

It was probably the only area of Alfie and I’s relationship where we had any clear and defined boundaries. Or at least, that was true for all the MFM threesomes we had. And they were all so uncomplicated. Only one MFM experience was a bad one and even at that, if I were in a different un-pregnated headspace for that one, I probably wouldn’t have ever though it was a bad experience.

However, with women, it was always bad. Twice we tried and twice we failed so miserably that I lost friends and he gained some. I kissed a girl with braces and didn’t like it – he liked it too much. I got insecure with another girl and didn’t like it – he liked it too much. Both times ended with me down in my room crying and him carrying on like nothing had happened…

And you’d think the two bad experiences would turn me off the concept entirely. You’d think I’d be so hung up on it. And yet, here I sit, still wishing I could have a successful FFM threesome.

I don’t know what it is about it that is such an attractant to me, even after my bad experiences. I mean, of course, I just want to be with a woman without a man’s presence. But, I also want to be with a woman with a man’s presence. Something about the duality of it… The feminine and the masculine.

I know what a threesome feels like, and I know what it feels like when it’s two guys. But what does it feel like when it’s two girls and it’s comfortable like it is with two guys? What does it feel like to be getting the best of both genders at the exact same moment?

I need to know!!