TO DO: Spa Day Reward

I kinda suck at the whole “take care of yourself” thing. I don’t take care of my skin, my hair, my nails. I’ve told you before about my haircuts and how terrible I am with that. In my entire life, even through a six-week modeling course, I have never once plucked a single hair on my body. It’s all just kinda foreign to me.

But lately, I’ve been desperately craving a spa day.

I want to lounge in a seat while someone expertly paints my toenails. I want to get my eyebrows shaped and have a nice refreshing facial. I want to get my hair did and done. In a perfect world, I’d get a relaxing massage too!

And I have begun putting the gears in motion.

I told The Boyfriend that I will make all the doctors, dentists, optometrist appointments if and only if, he makes me a spa day appointment. It’s a task that I need to get done but for some reason cannot make myself do it. Firstly, I am deathly afraid of dentists. The idea of any of us having to go see a dentist, scares the crap out of me. The rest, I’m not sure why it seems like such a chore for me, but it’s been on my to-do list for years and I just keep making excuses.

Maybe if I have a reward to look forward to at the end of it (other than knowing we’re all somewhat healthy), it won’t be so hard for me to do it!

The Boyfriend liked the idea a lot. He liked it mainly for the idea of me treating myself to something. He always gets a kick out of treating me like a princess, although never thinks to do it himself – I think mainly because he’s afraid I’ll reject it.

So now, he has to:

  • Find a spa
  • Book me a…
    • Mani/Pedi
    • Eyebrow Threading (because I’ve always wanted to try it! Especially over waxing)
    • Facial
    • Haircut

And then I have to:

  • Find out how each of the kids are covered under their Dad’s healthcare – the older three with Alfie and Carter with The Boyfriend
  • Call our doctor who we haven’t seen in about four years
  • Find a dentist for the whole family and book first appointments
  • Find an optomotrist for the whole family and book appointments

Geez, just writing that out makes my palms sweaty. So much work but it’s gotta get done and at least I’ll get a spa day out of the deal 😉

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PROGRESS REPORT

PROGRESS REPORT #1

For the first time ever, I am proud to say, I get to do a progress update post on My Bucket List!!! Aren’t you excited?!? I’ve never gotten to do one of these before, but I figure I probably should.

So, what is a progress report?

Well simply put, it’s an update on any progress whatsoever that I’ve made on any of the items on My Bucket List, My Fucket List, In a Perfect World… or When I Grow Up… lists.

Let’s get down to it, shall we?

  1. TO GET: A Sex Toy… Any Sex Toy

    Back in August 2014, The Boyfriend and I were constantly talking about getting a sex toy. We said it would be by my birthday. That was in November. Finally, now March of the next year and for The Boyfriend’s birthday no less, we are finally getting a sex toy.

    It should be here by the end of the week and we’ll see what I end up thinking of it. It’s a G-spot vibrator, and I have yet to find my G-spot – so maybe by the end of next week sometime, we’ll have another progress update 😉

  2. TO GET: Rope and a Rope Tote

    It’s not a complete checked-off-the-list, because this one had a bunch of things to do in it. However, I took the first initial step, I took the plunge. I’ve been saying I was going to do it for years and after a long period of humming and hawing, I finally bought my first length of rope.

    It’s just one tiny step. There’s still the learning and the practicing and the rope tote and then the consenting adult to tie and all that jazz, but the first step!!

  3. TO GET: Lingerie… Lots of Lingerie

    Again, another not-complete-check-off-the-list, but progress. I’m not even sure I’ll like it or ever wear it or anything really. It was a spur of the moment, absolute impulse buy. It was right in the price range I was willing to spend, it was in what should be my size, but I’m not putting any big hopes into these two articles of clothing (barely).

    But again, a step. Tiny, it may be. Anything less to celebrate, it is not!

  4. TO DO: Get Back to Twitter

    It was my first official resolution of 2015 and while there have been many since, this is the only one that is seeing success. I even managed, after six years of trying, to get The Boyfriend on Twitter this year!

    I’m basically calling this one done!

  5. TO DO: Knit & Sew

    Not a complete check off the list, not even close. However, I did finally buy myself knitting needles and again, a sale resulted in yarn. So, I’ve started knitting. I’ve decided, I’m going to work towards a blanket. You can follow that project on my Instagram.

So, that’s five less things that I have to do and I haven’t even finished adding all my wants, desires, dreams and aspirations to the list! Now to try to wait patiently for my toy, rope, one other thing and lingerie to get here. Maybe I’ll knit 😉

TO GET: A Guitar

It’s been a really long time since I last owned a guitar.

I got my first guitar when I was about 13. It was actually a present for my brother but he wasn’t interested in learning electric guitar and I was, so I kinda perma-borrowed his guitar. I learnt most of my guitar knowledge from my punk rock boyfriend who was taking guitar lessons during our time together.

Back then, I mostly stuck with electric guitars. I liked to play things with power chords and my playlist consisted of things like AFI’s “Morningstar” or Rancid’s “Who Would’ve Thought” or Against Me’s “Baby, I’m an Anarchist” and then a bunch of really dark and depressing “poems”. I basically stayed playing this way through all of my first relationship and most of my second.

Then my Dad started coming around and bringing acoustic guitars. I really like the way acoustic guitars sound and the fact that you don’t need to have an amp to really sound great. I decided that I liked acoustic over electric far better and have hardly touched an electric-only ever since.

When Alfie and I broke up (that’s the second relationship, by the way) and The Boyfriend and I got together, I had an acoustic guitar. Neither The Boyfriend or I can remember whatever happened to that guitar, but for my birthday the first year we were together, he decided to get me a guitar.

I called her My Muse. I couldn’t tell you a thing about what brand she was or what she was made out of or anything like that – except that she was an electric/acoustic with a built in tuner, but her sound was just so good to me. I wrote songs for the first time in five years with her and to me that was a pretty big deal. And she was just so lovely. I seriously miss this guitar so much that sometimes when I think of her, I honestly get emotional.

She didn’t last long at all. All the kids were right at this age where destroying everything was just about the most fun ever. Even though she had a good sturdy gig case and even though we tried really hard, one night, the kids ended up crushing her. I was seriously so upset about it…

I did end up having one more guitar after this. I don’t remember what happened to this one either except that one day I had it and the next day I didn’t. After that, I decided that I had gone through too many guitars, I needed to take a break from guitars. Especially when there were so many other instruments out there that I want to learn to play.

I’ve been stuck trying to learn piano/keyboards now for a good four years. Let me just say, I’m a thousand percent better at guitar. And now that my kids are older and less likely to break a precious gem of mine, I want a guitar.

It will definitely be an acoustic. I like the built-in tuners a lot – while I tune by ear, I like to get that E string as accurate as possible to go off of – so, it will definitely have one of those. I’d really like to find something that has a clear, crisp sound that just vibrates down my spine the way My Muse did. And I’ve always really wanted designs on my fretboard instead of just the regular old dots.

Ugh… Now I’m dreaming of guitars… Thanks list *shakes fist*!

TO BE: Polyamorous

Just an FYI to start – I absolutely hate the way the title looks and would prefer it to say something else, but I’m attempting to follow a format – so bear with it!

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Growing up as a kid, I never knew that there was any other relationship dynamics than together with your husband or separated/divorced from your husband. I heard of the gay people who lived in the United States and I knew that some women and men chose perpetual singledom. However, I did not know anything other than this was even possible.

I always assumed that it was just the natural progression of things. You grow up, you get a husband so that you can have babies, and then you either live happily ever after or get divorced and repeat… I never felt like this was what I wanted, but I did really want babies – so I must need a husband, was kind of my thinking.

I remember doing a school project in Grade 2 or something. My Mom loves to tell this story when it comes to the amount of kids I have. We had to cut pictures out of magazines and make almost like a vision board for our future. I cut out 26 kids in total… 26! The very last thing I cut out, because it was the very last thing on my mind, was a husband…

At 14 – you can totally tell this was like the age of my sexual awakening – two things happened. My sister had her first girl-on-girl experience and suffered massive backlash from this (more from an internal standpoint) and the show KINK became Friday’s indulgence. I know I’ve said it before, but thank goodness for Friday Night Without Borders!!

My eyes were opened to the endless possibilities of relationship dynamics. You mean, a girl doesn’t have to marry a boy? And boys can be with other boys? And you can have intimately, deeply connected relationships with people without any sex? And normal everyday people do it? My mind was blown!! Sometimes, it still is.

In my personal life, I have never been fully satisfied by the dynamics of my relationships. Probably because I am always wanting to push the boundaries and I tend to pick guys who like to stay safely within the lines. Without really meaning to, or every consciously making the decision, I’ve spent the majority of my adult life in monogamous relationships.

My first boyfriend, 2 1/2 years, totally monogamous, age 14 – 16. Alfie, 5 – 6 years, mostly monogamous, age 16 – 21 (see TO HAVE: A FFM Threesome). The Boyfriend, 6 years, monogamous, age 21 – present. Each of those had about eight months, give or take, between them…

But I wouldn’t say that monogamy has been my choice. With Alfie, I loved to have M/F/M threesomes and did so rather frequently. At the beginning of our relationship, we had an agreement that he was the only one who could penetrate me vaginally. By the end, that rule had gone and on more than one occasion he left while another guy and I carried on. I technically cheated on The Boyfriend with Alfie for the first couple months of our relationship.

From my first exposure to it and ever since, I have had a fascination with polyamory. I read about it a lot and when I consider it in terms of consensual, open, honest relationships with more than one person, I can’t help but be completely swept up by the idea of it. It sounds like a blissful experience and one that I want to have.

I don’t want to just fly by the seat of my pants with it and just start sleeping with random people and open up my life to drama, jealousy, and unnecessary risks. But I often fantasize about adding additional partners to my relationship.

With Alfie, I hated the idea of him going off and having sex with another person. The threat of him leaving me was always present without any competition, I was too insecure, there were lots of reasons and he did absolutely nothing to settle those fears. If anything, he did things to heighten them and extend them.

With The Boyfriend, I don’t feel immediate rage when I consider him having sex with another person. I feel entirely secure and comfortable in this relationship. Albeit, I’d want to be allowed to have a say in some boundaries and I’d like to be included in a budding relationship and the fantasy only stays hot when those boundaries are in place, but for the most part, I’m incredibly open to the concept of it. When I say this to him, he always says “But I don’t want anyone but you…”. He is a serious monogamist!

If I could though, I think I would choose to be polyamorous.

TO ATTEND: Munches

Back when I was pregnant with Carter (just over 5 years ago now…), The Boyfriend and I began attending munches. It had been on my to-do list forever and a day, and finally, after months/years of begging, the stars finally aligned and I went to my first munch.

Our first actual time out going to a munch was not that great of an experience. As total newbies, very awkward already in social situations, we both went into it with absolutely no balls whatsoever. We ended up not even being able to get up the courage to walk over the rather intimidating table.

However, surprisingly, that didn’t deter us altogether. We ended up hooking up with another group and went out the next month and had a great first experience. Both of us walked away from the experience full of life, full of ideas and if I remember correctly, had some of the kinkiest sex ever. For the rest of that pregnancy almost, we were attending munches and our relationship (in my humble opinion) has never been better.

Even though The Boyfriend was still his ole vanilla self the entire time, he seemed to be able to comprehend my kinks a little bit better. Sadly, after Carter was born, the person who ran the munches we really loved moved away due to illness and The Boyfriend’s understanding of my desire for kink went out the window.

Every month I say to him, when the notification comes up in my FetLife group, “We should go to the munch this month”. Sometimes, he’ll be working and the hesitance is understandable. Other times, he won’t be working – but again, the understanding for my desire went out the window…

I have never wanted to attend munches on my own, not initially anyways. I’m not opposed to doing it alone, it’s just…

This is always such a hard thing for me to explain. When I’m going to a munch, I look at that as exploring my sexuality, even though often times there is no sexual exploration involved. But I don’t look as my sexuality that as something that I can pack up and shut down for the night, it’s a thing that I carry with me everywhere I go. My sexuality very much defines me, and I would appreciate it staying that way. I have no intention of extracting my sexuality from any part of my identity, for any reason, at any time.

So, when I go to a munch, the only real place in the world where I can just hang out with people without worrying about the parts of my identity that the world/society deems deviant, I want to share that freedom with my partner. I want to share that most primal and most authentic part of myself with my partner. It’s very much about exploring my sexuality, my identity, me.

And if I were single, maybe I’d be interested in going it alone. I don’t know that for sure one way or another, because I’m not single and I haven’t been truly single for huge portions of my adult life. But as a person in a monogamous relationship, I want to explore my sexuality with my partner, and so going to a munch (as innocent as it is) can, in many ways, feel like cheating when you go it alone. Again, I don’t know this for hard fact, but it is what deters me from doing it… If that makes any sense?!?

Ideally, The Boyfriend and I would make it a priority to attend a munch every single month. I understand that this is not always possible due to work and it’s even hard when thinking about kids, but even if we just went every couple of months. If he can’t come, it would be nice if I still got to go. For that, I think I’d need a dedicated munch buddy or something…

TO DO: Get a Tattoo

I’ve wanted a tattoo, the same tattoo, since I was 13. When I was 13, I was told I couldn’t get it until I could do so without needing a parents permission. When I was 18 and could go get a tattoo, I was pregnant and broke. For the first time, in a really long time, I’m neither broke nor pregnant and I don’t need my parents permission.

However, I have still yet to get my tattoo. This is mostly because of fear (which you can see from previous posts is something I struggle with) but it’s also because now I don’t know what I want first.

My original tattoo, the same one I’ve wanted since I was 13, is a scary first tattoo. First of all, it’s big. Second, it’s on my back, near my kidney-like area. I don’t know if I’ll like tattoo needles or hate them. I keep thinking maybe I should start with something smaller. What I really want is some decorative f-holes like the ones found on a violin, but with my own little flair.

The Boyfriend and I have also always wanted to get matching tattoos representing our kids. Neither of us have ever really thought about a design for that tattoo but we both know that we want something with all the kids first and middle names. I’d like us to get it on the same spot on our bodies, but who knows where.

The Boyfriend already has two tattoos. One on his right bicep and one on his left upper arm.

The Boyfriend's Tattoo

The Boyfriend’s Tattoo

 

The right one is almost like a tribal arm band and the other is a fire-breathing dragon. He also really wants to get another tattoo, either on his back or chest, of an animal and another animal fighting each other (cannot for the life of me remember the two animals and I don’t want to say what I think it is, because I don’t want to be wrong…). At least he knows what to expect…

I always wanted to have a lot of different body modifications and at one point had planned to have my entire body covered in tattoos and about 13 different piercings. Now, I’ve decided against getting anymore piercings, except maybe a couple nipple piercings (although The Boyfriend hates that idea). But tattoos… I know I want at least one big one on each of my arms, I have a huge list of ideas for my back, something near my feet would be awesome, and possibly something on my chest.

I’m quite concerned about stretch marks, since a lot of my back and stomach are covered by them. I’ve always wanted to get a wrap-around tattoo, one that comes over my hips and something right above my pubic area, but with the c-section scar and all the marks, I just don’t think it’s going to be possible. Not and still look relatively decent. Especially as I age.

But f-holes and my family one at the very least!

TO DO: YouTube…

I’ve always been on YouTube… I’ve always had a channel in one incarnation or another, I’ve always been on YouTube, but I’ve never really stayed on YouTube… And I really have always wanted that to change and over the last couple of months, that desire just keeps growing stronger and stronger. Tonight, it is nagging me very loudly…

I don’t remember when it was that I first joined YouTube, but it was a really long time ago. I initially signed up thinking I wanted to be able to easily save all the videos I was watching and loving. This was way back in the day when I watched a lot of YouTube. Then, when I realized you could upload stuff to YouTube, it didn’t take me long to jump on that bandwagon.

I’m pretty sure my first real-live video on YouTube (which I think I later deleted and only recently recovered from Facebook where I had also uploaded it) was of my then year old daughter Kaeidyn freaking out that I should play “Daddy’s Getting Married” by Bif Naked on the guitar, as I was playing it. Once she realizes, she goes crazy. This was that video:

Next, I uploaded some more guitar playing and eventually deleted my original channel and all the great videos I had amassed doing that (although it was probably only about 13). I came back a few years later with a couple more guitar covers and a few piano covers and a couple videos the kids had made or whatever and then basically just abandoned my channel.

I still have it, but havent uploaded anything to it since my cover of The White Sripes “Fell in Love with a Girl”. I had had this big plan then to come back with a regular occurence of videos and with all these ideas and then life blew up and took a crap all over itself and the idea was abandoned just like the channel.

A few months ago, The Boyfriend started talking about YouTube all the time. He is, as I’ve probably said before, a little obsessed with gaming. He always says that he needs to start making YouTube videos about games. And over the past few weeks, more and more everyday, I’m thinking about how I miss doing the YouTube thing and that I’ve never done it the way that I want to do it and I want to do it…

Now, it’s just a matter of taking the steps that go from thinking to doing, because I’ve done so darn much of the thinking that the only option left is to start some of the doing. And in the last 30 minutes alone, I’ve come up with so many concepts for things that I’d like to be doing, that I just keep saying to myself, “So, just do it…!”.

I also have all of The Erotic Writers Group stuff to consider as well, because more than getting my personal self out on YouTube, I want to get this going without a doubt. I have so many great ideas for The Erotic Writers Group on YouTube. Previously we did our group hangouts “Tuesday Topics” and to a great succes, by my awesomely low standards. And I always wanted to do more…

I have files and files of online documents dedicated to all of my great ideas for all of these great videos for all of these great enterprises (ie. Myself and The Erotic Writers Group, duh!), and I’m sick of sitting on all of it. I’m sick of letting all of these opportunities pass me by.

It’s time to just suck it up and do YouTube!

When I Grow Up… I Want to Be a Fetish Photographer

I absolutely love taking pictures. From the time that I had my first baby and also received my first camera, I’ve always enjoyed taking pictures. First, my subject was a baby. Then, it became flowers and trees and water. From there, after a walk in the river in my bedazzled flip-flops, I became very interested in footography and had my first really true desire to become a fetish photographer.

For many years prior to that, I was very interested in the modelling aspect or being on the other side of the camera lens, but had never actually considered myself behind the camera. Since them, I’ve gone from wanting to take simple pictures of feet to wanting to do the whole fetish photography stint and even so much as filming my own erotic fetish movies.

Outside of some sexy shots in the bedroom with The Boyfriend, this is one that will most likely live on in fantasy forever – in terms of ever getting really good at it. Currently, when we’re feeling adventurous, we’ll set up the webcam to record a romp or whip out his cellphone to snap a sex shot, but things like lighting, positioning, shutter speed, etc., completely elude us.

This is another one of those ones that is so tied in with everything else that I want, because I’d love to have a dungeon where I could capture/record. I’d love to have really nice lighting equipment and some cool DIY lights, and a really awesome camera that I handpick for myself and some incredible lenses to work with.

Then of course, there’s the models and the actual shoots. And I have a huge list of ideas that I’d like to see done for images and absolutely no idea how feasible any of them are in reality. Just so much that I’d like to try and just haven’t yet…

Definitely would like to get better behind the camera and definitely would like to do some erotic photography.

TO GET: Lingerie… Lots of Lingerie.

UPDATES

Despite my rantings over the last few days (here and here), I actually really love lingerie. I’ve always wanted lots and lots and lots of it and have always been wickedly jealous of my sister who has amassed a relatively decent collection of it. I want lingerie really bad, but have never been courageous enough to actually try any on (except what my sister has convinced me to try of hers – which often just does not fit me the way it fits her), let alone buy any for myself.

Once, The Boyfriend and I were walking through Wal-Mart and came across a cute little bustier/panty-set. We picked that up and broke it in the first night of sex, and have never ever bought lingerie again. I’ve gone through bouts where I will look at it constantly online and he’ll go through bouts where he’ll want to watch porn that has some lingerie in it, but other than that, lingerie just doesn’t really enter our mindframes very much.

It’s also because I’ve been notorious for absolute commando-ism for a good many of years. I wear bras when I’m going out somewhere and have to look really good, like a job interview or a night at the strippers. Since those things don’t happen for me anymore, there’s just no point. Plus, I like the way it feels to let my boobs bounce freely, and my nipples enjoy the sensation of soft t-shirt fabrics, and the underwear thing – let’s just get real – all of this stuff is just plain uncomfortable when you’re walking the kids to school, or sitting around the house working on the computer.

So, it just doesn’t occur to me to put too much focus into undergarments in general.

In a Perfect World…

However, this is not the way I want it to be at all. What I really want, more than anything, is a huge closet dedicated to all the sexiest of lingerie and footwear one’s mind can imagine. I want an entire section dedicated to leather and latex, leather for the smell and feel, latex for the shinniness. Then, I want some girly pieces that are frilly and lace-y.

Babydolls, chemises, thongs, g-strings, bras, bustiers, micro mini-skirts, breast-baring see-through tops, cute accessories and lots and lots of stockings and garter belts. An entire area with corsets beautifully stored in special corset bags, ones for wearing during the day and ones for wearing during the night.

And then the shoes. Oh the glorious shoes. I think I’d need a whole closet dedicated to just the shoes. Flats, heels, boots, oh my! Even if you had no fetish whatsoever for shoes, it would be a *drool* moment.

And in a perfect world, I would wear my lingerie every single day under every single thing everywhere I went. And when The Boyfriend came home from work, I’d show glimpses of what I was wearing and it would be so hard to guess because I’d have so much of it that he wouldn’t be able to keep up. And of course, the greatest gift he could give me would not be flowers or diamonds, but lace and leather and peep-holes and cut-outs and frills and sexiness!

TO WRITE: Something Non-Erotic and Fictional

I do write non-erotic fiction, I’m almost absolutely sure of it! For many years now my main focus has been erotic fiction and erotic non-fiction and any other writing is in the form of articles or resource pieces.

Prior to erotica, I stuck mostly to poetry – that I would then add to music and make a song out of. It’s been a really long time since I last wrote a song and I’m pretty sure my last masterpiece was an on-the-spot piece consisting of two chords and words that rhymed with “tree”, thus making this song “The Tree”. Could I tell you anything about the song now? Nope!

What I’d really like to experiment with is sci-fi/fantasy writing, but I’ve often found that I struggle intensly with it. Especially being that I’m not a huge fan of reading it and so far the only fantasy/sci-fi type books that I’ve gotten into (thanks to The Boyfriend) is R.A. Salvatore’s Legend of Drizzt series (seriously love this character!).

I’d also really like to try my hand at some literary humor. I tend to not even try to be funny in writing. Sarcastic sometimes or maybe darkly witty, but rarely ever outright funny. The smiles on people’s faces during reading any of my pieces would probably be more devious than one of sincere and genuine humor.

I’m kind of not sure where to start with this one. If it doesn’t involve sex or intimacy, I’m kind of lost on what to do with characters and plots. I don’t get ideas in my head about non-erotic things or non-educational things very often, so it’s kind of like fishing in the dark and seeing what I come out with.

The Boyfriend has been working on two stories, very sporadically, that I would eventually like to contribute to. I feel like I could tell the story so much more differently than him, but inspired by his original storyline, that it could be a very interesting thing to do. However, he would totally have to finish one of them for me to do that with 😉