TO BE: Polyamorous

Just an FYI to start – I absolutely hate the way the title looks and would prefer it to say something else, but I’m attempting to follow a format – so bear with it!

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Growing up as a kid, I never knew that there was any other relationship dynamics than together with your husband or separated/divorced from your husband. I heard of the gay people who lived in the United States and I knew that some women and men chose perpetual singledom. However, I did not know anything other than this was even possible.

I always assumed that it was just the natural progression of things. You grow up, you get a husband so that you can have babies, and then you either live happily ever after or get divorced and repeat… I never felt like this was what I wanted, but I did really want babies – so I must need a husband, was kind of my thinking.

I remember doing a school project in Grade 2 or something. My Mom loves to tell this story when it comes to the amount of kids I have. We had to cut pictures out of magazines and make almost like a vision board for our future. I cut out 26 kids in total… 26! The very last thing I cut out, because it was the very last thing on my mind, was a husband…

At 14 – you can totally tell this was like the age of my sexual awakening – two things happened. My sister had her first girl-on-girl experience and suffered massive backlash from this (more from an internal standpoint) and the show KINK became Friday’s indulgence. I know I’ve said it before, but thank goodness for Friday Night Without Borders!!

My eyes were opened to the endless possibilities of relationship dynamics. You mean, a girl doesn’t have to marry a boy? And boys can be with other boys? And you can have intimately, deeply connected relationships with people without any sex? And normal everyday people do it? My mind was blown!! Sometimes, it still is.

In my personal life, I have never been fully satisfied by the dynamics of my relationships. Probably because I am always wanting to push the boundaries and I tend to pick guys who like to stay safely within the lines. Without really meaning to, or every consciously making the decision, I’ve spent the majority of my adult life in monogamous relationships.

My first boyfriend, 2 1/2 years, totally monogamous, age 14 – 16. Alfie, 5 – 6 years, mostly monogamous, age 16 – 21 (see TO HAVE: A FFM Threesome). The Boyfriend, 6 years, monogamous, age 21 – present. Each of those had about eight months, give or take, between them…

But I wouldn’t say that monogamy has been my choice. With Alfie, I loved to have M/F/M threesomes and did so rather frequently. At the beginning of our relationship, we had an agreement that he was the only one who could penetrate me vaginally. By the end, that rule had gone and on more than one occasion he left while another guy and I carried on. I technically cheated on The Boyfriend with Alfie for the first couple months of our relationship.

From my first exposure to it and ever since, I have had a fascination with polyamory. I read about it a lot and when I consider it in terms of consensual, open, honest relationships with more than one person, I can’t help but be completely swept up by the idea of it. It sounds like a blissful experience and one that I want to have.

I don’t want to just fly by the seat of my pants with it and just start sleeping with random people and open up my life to drama, jealousy, and unnecessary risks. But I often fantasize about adding additional partners to my relationship.

With Alfie, I hated the idea of him going off and having sex with another person. The threat of him leaving me was always present without any competition, I was too insecure, there were lots of reasons and he did absolutely nothing to settle those fears. If anything, he did things to heighten them and extend them.

With The Boyfriend, I don’t feel immediate rage when I consider him having sex with another person. I feel entirely secure and comfortable in this relationship. Albeit, I’d want to be allowed to have a say in some boundaries and I’d like to be included in a budding relationship and the fantasy only stays hot when those boundaries are in place, but for the most part, I’m incredibly open to the concept of it. When I say this to him, he always says “But I don’t want anyone but you…”. He is a serious monogamist!

If I could though, I think I would choose to be polyamorous.

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TO ATTEND: Munches

Back when I was pregnant with Carter (just over 5 years ago now…), The Boyfriend and I began attending munches. It had been on my to-do list forever and a day, and finally, after months/years of begging, the stars finally aligned and I went to my first munch.

Our first actual time out going to a munch was not that great of an experience. As total newbies, very awkward already in social situations, we both went into it with absolutely no balls whatsoever. We ended up not even being able to get up the courage to walk over the rather intimidating table.

However, surprisingly, that didn’t deter us altogether. We ended up hooking up with another group and went out the next month and had a great first experience. Both of us walked away from the experience full of life, full of ideas and if I remember correctly, had some of the kinkiest sex ever. For the rest of that pregnancy almost, we were attending munches and our relationship (in my humble opinion) has never been better.

Even though The Boyfriend was still his ole vanilla self the entire time, he seemed to be able to comprehend my kinks a little bit better. Sadly, after Carter was born, the person who ran the munches we really loved moved away due to illness and The Boyfriend’s understanding of my desire for kink went out the window.

Every month I say to him, when the notification comes up in my FetLife group, “We should go to the munch this month”. Sometimes, he’ll be working and the hesitance is understandable. Other times, he won’t be working – but again, the understanding for my desire went out the window…

I have never wanted to attend munches on my own, not initially anyways. I’m not opposed to doing it alone, it’s just…

This is always such a hard thing for me to explain. When I’m going to a munch, I look at that as exploring my sexuality, even though often times there is no sexual exploration involved. But I don’t look as my sexuality that as something that I can pack up and shut down for the night, it’s a thing that I carry with me everywhere I go. My sexuality very much defines me, and I would appreciate it staying that way. I have no intention of extracting my sexuality from any part of my identity, for any reason, at any time.

So, when I go to a munch, the only real place in the world where I can just hang out with people without worrying about the parts of my identity that the world/society deems deviant, I want to share that freedom with my partner. I want to share that most primal and most authentic part of myself with my partner. It’s very much about exploring my sexuality, my identity, me.

And if I were single, maybe I’d be interested in going it alone. I don’t know that for sure one way or another, because I’m not single and I haven’t been truly single for huge portions of my adult life. But as a person in a monogamous relationship, I want to explore my sexuality with my partner, and so going to a munch (as innocent as it is) can, in many ways, feel like cheating when you go it alone. Again, I don’t know this for hard fact, but it is what deters me from doing it… If that makes any sense?!?

Ideally, The Boyfriend and I would make it a priority to attend a munch every single month. I understand that this is not always possible due to work and it’s even hard when thinking about kids, but even if we just went every couple of months. If he can’t come, it would be nice if I still got to go. For that, I think I’d need a dedicated munch buddy or something…

TO HAVE: A FFM Threesome

For many years of my life, I was kind of known for threesomes. Alfie and I had joked with a friend once about having a threesome and next thing you know, we’re having threesomes constantly. Really, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but every couple of months, pregnant or not, we’d find some poor sucker to join us in the bedroom.

It was probably the only area of Alfie and I’s relationship where we had any clear and defined boundaries. Or at least, that was true for all the MFM threesomes we had. And they were all so uncomplicated. Only one MFM experience was a bad one and even at that, if I were in a different un-pregnated headspace for that one, I probably wouldn’t have ever though it was a bad experience.

However, with women, it was always bad. Twice we tried and twice we failed so miserably that I lost friends and he gained some. I kissed a girl with braces and didn’t like it – he liked it too much. I got insecure with another girl and didn’t like it – he liked it too much. Both times ended with me down in my room crying and him carrying on like nothing had happened…

And you’d think the two bad experiences would turn me off the concept entirely. You’d think I’d be so hung up on it. And yet, here I sit, still wishing I could have a successful FFM threesome.

I don’t know what it is about it that is such an attractant to me, even after my bad experiences. I mean, of course, I just want to be with a woman without a man’s presence. But, I also want to be with a woman with a man’s presence. Something about the duality of it… The feminine and the masculine.

I know what a threesome feels like, and I know what it feels like when it’s two guys. But what does it feel like when it’s two girls and it’s comfortable like it is with two guys? What does it feel like to be getting the best of both genders at the exact same moment?

I need to know!!

TO GET: Lingerie… Lots of Lingerie.

UPDATES

Despite my rantings over the last few days (here and here), I actually really love lingerie. I’ve always wanted lots and lots and lots of it and have always been wickedly jealous of my sister who has amassed a relatively decent collection of it. I want lingerie really bad, but have never been courageous enough to actually try any on (except what my sister has convinced me to try of hers – which often just does not fit me the way it fits her), let alone buy any for myself.

Once, The Boyfriend and I were walking through Wal-Mart and came across a cute little bustier/panty-set. We picked that up and broke it in the first night of sex, and have never ever bought lingerie again. I’ve gone through bouts where I will look at it constantly online and he’ll go through bouts where he’ll want to watch porn that has some lingerie in it, but other than that, lingerie just doesn’t really enter our mindframes very much.

It’s also because I’ve been notorious for absolute commando-ism for a good many of years. I wear bras when I’m going out somewhere and have to look really good, like a job interview or a night at the strippers. Since those things don’t happen for me anymore, there’s just no point. Plus, I like the way it feels to let my boobs bounce freely, and my nipples enjoy the sensation of soft t-shirt fabrics, and the underwear thing – let’s just get real – all of this stuff is just plain uncomfortable when you’re walking the kids to school, or sitting around the house working on the computer.

So, it just doesn’t occur to me to put too much focus into undergarments in general.

In a Perfect World…

However, this is not the way I want it to be at all. What I really want, more than anything, is a huge closet dedicated to all the sexiest of lingerie and footwear one’s mind can imagine. I want an entire section dedicated to leather and latex, leather for the smell and feel, latex for the shinniness. Then, I want some girly pieces that are frilly and lace-y.

Babydolls, chemises, thongs, g-strings, bras, bustiers, micro mini-skirts, breast-baring see-through tops, cute accessories and lots and lots of stockings and garter belts. An entire area with corsets beautifully stored in special corset bags, ones for wearing during the day and ones for wearing during the night.

And then the shoes. Oh the glorious shoes. I think I’d need a whole closet dedicated to just the shoes. Flats, heels, boots, oh my! Even if you had no fetish whatsoever for shoes, it would be a *drool* moment.

And in a perfect world, I would wear my lingerie every single day under every single thing everywhere I went. And when The Boyfriend came home from work, I’d show glimpses of what I was wearing and it would be so hard to guess because I’d have so much of it that he wouldn’t be able to keep up. And of course, the greatest gift he could give me would not be flowers or diamonds, but lace and leather and peep-holes and cut-outs and frills and sexiness!

TO GET: Rope and a Rope Tote

UPDATES

Before I was interested in impact play, long before I was interested in edge play and even before I was interested in power exchange, I’ve been interested in rope bondage. Seriously, have you ever seen how beautiful some of this stuff looks?!? From just regular old rope harnesses to full out shibari art, it’s all so epically beautiful!

I don’t want just one kind of rope either. I want a variety of different ropes, of different textures and different thicknesses and a super rainbow full of colors, red and black dominating!

I want a super useful little rope tote (preferably one I craft myself) that will hold all my beautiful ropes in such an organized manner that upon opening my rope tote, I will have a mini-orgasm, because it will just be such a delight to the eyes! My rope tote would also include necessities like a handy place for some safety scissors and a pocket for water and snacks.

Then, after I get the rope and the rope tote, not only am I officially going to write a poem using that line, I am also going to learn how to use rope come hell or high water! With or without a consenting participant. And this is exactly how that is going to happen:

  1. Get a Sewing Dummy or MannequinWhichever is easier to acquire at this point. Hell, I’ll even go for a pole the approximate width of a human arm! Just something to get used to wrapping rope around and then tying knots around.

    I’ve heard sewing dummies are great practice tools and if you could get your hands on a mannequin, I’m betting it could be pretty good too. If I can’t have a partner, I’ll have a doll for it!

  2. Read and Research Even MoreAlthough I’ve been doing this for years and years and years and years, it’s always important to be learning. And while the major information about rope play has definitely stuck with me through all the years, the little details might be lost. So, refresh on the reading and researching. Scour the whole entire world for resources, if I have to!
  3. Munch, Workshop, Play PartyThese three things deserve posts all their own (and I’ll probably get around to that eventually), but it’s been a long while since I’ve been active in my local community. Too long actually. The best way to learn is to get out there and observe, inquire, discuss, etc. You can only do so much of that from behind the screen of an electronic device. So out into the world I must go!
  4. Begin Practiciting, and Do It CONSTANTLY!Kind of self-explanatory. But ideally, I would be setting aside a certain part of the day, every single day, of quiet Mommy time where I simply focus on practicing. Practicing my knots, practicing placement on my dummy, experimenting with safe self-bondage, such as a calf gauntlet – just to get the feel of things. And do it all the time until I feel 100% comfortable using rope.

Maybe I’ll add this to my birthday wishlist and it can be a sex toy and some rope. How fun would that be?

TO GET: A Sex Toy… Any Sex Toy!!!

Updates

I didn’t get my first sex toy until I was 23, if I remember correctly. The Boyfriend and I had just begun dating and Alfie was incredibly jealous. To attempt to start a fight, he fished through the sex toy vending machine at his work until he was able to nab me a vibrator. He thought he was so awesome bringing it over. Little did he know that he was just supplying The Boyfriend…

It was better than I had expected it to be. This little one-battery cat head with a tail that acted as a clitoral stimulator (though did a terrible job at it…). It was the first time I had ever experienced vibrations that weren’t caused by a mouth and it was different to say the least.

Then, I got a box of toys that I had intended to sell. It ended up not being sold and instead was distrubuted out to family members and used. None really stood out as total “wow” implements, although some got more use than others. The Boyfriend enjoyed using the dildos and I liked the vibrators again (although found that I couldn’t use them often or it would take longer for me to orgasm – something that I get pretty fed up about when I’m on that mission).

Alas, we had to throw all the sex toys that we had had in the garbage. It was an incredibly sad day. Now, it’s been at least three years since we last used a sex toy…

Ideally, I’d like to get at least two handfuls worth of toys that we used reguarly. But since we’re on a more limited budget, I’m being more realistic and just saying that I want to get a sex toy – any sex toy – and I want it to be by my birthday!!

I think I want to look into getting a Magic Wand, although I’m incredibly iffy about this particular one. I also want a dildo sans vibration, but that’s solely because I know how much The Boyfriend absolutely loves using them. I also haven’t really looked at sex toys in over a year, and I know a few things have changed.

I just want something more than fingers and genitals to use in the bedroom (bathroom, kitchen, forest, car….)…

When I Grow Up… I Want to Be a Sex Therapist

Since the first time my Mom sat me down to have “the talk”, I’ve been curiously fascinated by sex and sexuality. At 6 years old, I was desperate to know where babies came from and why people were having sex. I bugged and bugged until finally she caved. The conversation that followed was surprisingly scientific and I can still see the almost perfect sketch of a uterus and fallopian tubes that my Mom drew out for me.

As I got older and sex became more and more relevant in my life, my obsession grew stronger and stronger and by 16, I was doing everything I could to learn as much as I could about sex, sexuality, gender and especially BDSM and fetishes.

Around the time I turned 18, I was hanging out with a lot of people who had clearly never paid attention during sex ed. And as the most educated person about sex in the group, I was often sought after for advice or opinions about the normality of things. I realized that there had to be a sex therapist out there doing something like this.

In my town, not one. In my province, only 3 that I know of. And compared to the states, in terms of actually registered sex therapists, Canada is lagging pretty far behind. Now maybe it’s because Canadians aren’t seriously seeking sex therapy, or maybe it’s the opposite and Canadians aren’t seeking sex therapy because they don’t it exists. Who knows for sure, but either way, When I Grow Up…, I’d love to be a sex therapist.

The idea of not only truly understanding (as much as a person can anyways) sex and sexuality and then getting to share that understanding with others is seriously utopic to me. I think I’d make a banging sex therapist too! Like Laura Berman but sexier (and smarter!), like Dr. Gloria Brame but Canadian, like Annie Sprinkles, but again, Canadian. So many people that I call idols could be listed here – really, it’s a lot!

I also think I tend to do a lot of unofficial sex therapy-ing in my personal life with the people I surround myself with. And the things that people will tell me is incredible, because they know that when it comes to sex and sexuality, I’m as open-minded as they come. I’m also genuinely intrigued and fascinated, and I think that comes across very vividly to people.

As a sex therapist, I think my greatest struggle would be not understanding the shame that people sometimes associate with sexuality, and I would constantly be fighting for sexual acceptance. I think, if I were a sex therapist, I would probably offer more than just therapy as part of my services.

I find the idea of sexual surrogacy to be of a great deal of interest to me, and I’d also want to build a sexual community that’s welcoming, vibrant, exciting and educational.

The science of sexuality is amazing to me, but what really gets me is the psychology of it. And that’s why, When I Grow Up… I Want to be a Sex Therapist.