TO BE: Polyamorous

Just an FYI to start – I absolutely hate the way the title looks and would prefer it to say something else, but I’m attempting to follow a format – so bear with it!

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Growing up as a kid, I never knew that there was any other relationship dynamics than together with your husband or separated/divorced from your husband. I heard of the gay people who lived in the United States and I knew that some women and men chose perpetual singledom. However, I did not know anything other than this was even possible.

I always assumed that it was just the natural progression of things. You grow up, you get a husband so that you can have babies, and then you either live happily ever after or get divorced and repeat… I never felt like this was what I wanted, but I did really want babies – so I must need a husband, was kind of my thinking.

I remember doing a school project in Grade 2 or something. My Mom loves to tell this story when it comes to the amount of kids I have. We had to cut pictures out of magazines and make almost like a vision board for our future. I cut out 26 kids in total… 26! The very last thing I cut out, because it was the very last thing on my mind, was a husband…

At 14 – you can totally tell this was like the age of my sexual awakening – two things happened. My sister had her first girl-on-girl experience and suffered massive backlash from this (more from an internal standpoint) and the show KINK became Friday’s indulgence. I know I’ve said it before, but thank goodness for Friday Night Without Borders!!

My eyes were opened to the endless possibilities of relationship dynamics. You mean, a girl doesn’t have to marry a boy? And boys can be with other boys? And you can have intimately, deeply connected relationships with people without any sex? And normal everyday people do it? My mind was blown!! Sometimes, it still is.

In my personal life, I have never been fully satisfied by the dynamics of my relationships. Probably because I am always wanting to push the boundaries and I tend to pick guys who like to stay safely within the lines. Without really meaning to, or every consciously making the decision, I’ve spent the majority of my adult life in monogamous relationships.

My first boyfriend, 2 1/2 years, totally monogamous, age 14 – 16. Alfie, 5 – 6 years, mostly monogamous, age 16 – 21 (see TO HAVE: A FFM Threesome). The Boyfriend, 6 years, monogamous, age 21 – present. Each of those had about eight months, give or take, between them…

But I wouldn’t say that monogamy has been my choice. With Alfie, I loved to have M/F/M threesomes and did so rather frequently. At the beginning of our relationship, we had an agreement that he was the only one who could penetrate me vaginally. By the end, that rule had gone and on more than one occasion he left while another guy and I carried on. I technically cheated on The Boyfriend with Alfie for the first couple months of our relationship.

From my first exposure to it and ever since, I have had a fascination with polyamory. I read about it a lot and when I consider it in terms of consensual, open, honest relationships with more than one person, I can’t help but be completely swept up by the idea of it. It sounds like a blissful experience and one that I want to have.

I don’t want to just fly by the seat of my pants with it and just start sleeping with random people and open up my life to drama, jealousy, and unnecessary risks. But I often fantasize about adding additional partners to my relationship.

With Alfie, I hated the idea of him going off and having sex with another person. The threat of him leaving me was always present without any competition, I was too insecure, there were lots of reasons and he did absolutely nothing to settle those fears. If anything, he did things to heighten them and extend them.

With The Boyfriend, I don’t feel immediate rage when I consider him having sex with another person. I feel entirely secure and comfortable in this relationship. Albeit, I’d want to be allowed to have a say in some boundaries and I’d like to be included in a budding relationship and the fantasy only stays hot when those boundaries are in place, but for the most part, I’m incredibly open to the concept of it. When I say this to him, he always says “But I don’t want anyone but you…”. He is a serious monogamist!

If I could though, I think I would choose to be polyamorous.

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TO ATTEND: Munches

Back when I was pregnant with Carter (just over 5 years ago now…), The Boyfriend and I began attending munches. It had been on my to-do list forever and a day, and finally, after months/years of begging, the stars finally aligned and I went to my first munch.

Our first actual time out going to a munch was not that great of an experience. As total newbies, very awkward already in social situations, we both went into it with absolutely no balls whatsoever. We ended up not even being able to get up the courage to walk over the rather intimidating table.

However, surprisingly, that didn’t deter us altogether. We ended up hooking up with another group and went out the next month¬†and had a great first experience. Both of us walked away from the experience full of life, full of ideas and if I remember correctly, had some of the kinkiest sex ever. For the rest of that pregnancy almost, we were attending munches and our relationship (in my humble opinion) has never been better.

Even though The Boyfriend was still his ole vanilla self the entire time, he seemed to be able to comprehend my kinks a little bit better. Sadly, after Carter was born, the person who ran the munches we really loved moved away due to illness and The Boyfriend’s understanding of my desire for kink went out the window.

Every month I say to him, when the notification comes up in my FetLife group, “We should go to the munch this month”. Sometimes, he’ll be working and the hesitance¬†is understandable. Other times, he won’t be working – but again, the understanding for my desire went out the window…

I have never wanted to attend munches on my own, not initially anyways. I’m not opposed to doing it alone, it’s just…

This is always such a hard thing for me to explain. When I’m going to a munch, I look at that as exploring my sexuality, even though often times there is no sexual exploration involved. But I don’t look as my sexuality that as something that I can pack up and shut down for the night, it’s a thing that I carry with me everywhere I go. My sexuality very much defines me, and I would appreciate it staying that way. I have no intention of extracting my sexuality from any part of my identity, for any reason, at any time.

So, when I go to a munch, the only real place in the world where I can just hang out with people without worrying about the parts of my identity that the world/society deems deviant, I want to share that freedom with my partner. I want to share that most primal and most authentic part of myself with my partner. It’s very much about exploring my sexuality, my identity, me.

And if I were single, maybe I’d be interested in going it alone. I don’t know that for sure one way or another, because I’m not single and I haven’t been truly single for huge portions of my adult life. But as a person in a monogamous relationship, I want to explore my sexuality with my partner, and so going to a munch (as innocent as it is) can, in many ways, feel like cheating when you go it alone. Again, I don’t know this for hard fact, but it is what deters me from doing it… If that makes any sense?!?

Ideally, The Boyfriend and I would make it a priority to attend a munch every single month. I understand that this is not always possible due to work and it’s even hard when thinking about kids, but even if we just went every couple of months. If he can’t come, it would be nice if I still got to go. For that, I think I’d need a dedicated munch buddy or something…