TO BE: Polyamorous

Just an FYI to start – I absolutely hate the way the title looks and would prefer it to say something else, but I’m attempting to follow a format – so bear with it!

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Growing up as a kid, I never knew that there was any other relationship dynamics than together with your husband or separated/divorced from your husband. I heard of the gay people who lived in the United States and I knew that some women and men chose perpetual singledom. However, I did not know anything other than this was even possible.

I always assumed that it was just the natural progression of things. You grow up, you get a husband so that you can have babies, and then you either live happily ever after or get divorced and repeat… I never felt like this was what I wanted, but I did really want babies – so I must need a husband, was kind of my thinking.

I remember doing a school project in Grade 2 or something. My Mom loves to tell this story when it comes to the amount of kids I have. We had to cut pictures out of magazines and make almost like a vision board for our future. I cut out 26 kids in total… 26! The very last thing I cut out, because it was the very last thing on my mind, was a husband…

At 14 – you can totally tell this was like the age of my sexual awakening – two things happened. My sister had her first girl-on-girl experience and suffered massive backlash from this (more from an internal standpoint) and the show KINK became Friday’s indulgence. I know I’ve said it before, but thank goodness for Friday Night Without Borders!!

My eyes were opened to the endless possibilities of relationship dynamics. You mean, a girl doesn’t have to marry a boy? And boys can be with other boys? And you can have intimately, deeply connected relationships with people without any sex? And normal everyday people do it? My mind was blown!! Sometimes, it still is.

In my personal life, I have never been fully satisfied by the dynamics of my relationships. Probably because I am always wanting to push the boundaries and I tend to pick guys who like to stay safely within the lines. Without really meaning to, or every consciously making the decision, I’ve spent the majority of my adult life in monogamous relationships.

My first boyfriend, 2 1/2 years, totally monogamous, age 14 – 16. Alfie, 5 – 6 years, mostly monogamous, age 16 – 21 (see TO HAVE: A FFM Threesome). The Boyfriend, 6 years, monogamous, age 21 – present. Each of those had about eight months, give or take, between them…

But I wouldn’t say that monogamy has been my choice. With Alfie, I loved to have M/F/M threesomes and did so rather frequently. At the beginning of our relationship, we had an agreement that he was the only one who could penetrate me vaginally. By the end, that rule had gone and on more than one occasion he left while another guy and I carried on. I technically cheated on The Boyfriend with Alfie for the first couple months of our relationship.

From my first exposure to it and ever since, I have had a fascination with polyamory. I read about it a lot and when I consider it in terms of consensual, open, honest relationships with more than one person, I can’t help but be completely swept up by the idea of it. It sounds like a blissful experience and one that I want to have.

I don’t want to just fly by the seat of my pants with it and just start sleeping with random people and open up my life to drama, jealousy, and unnecessary risks. But I often fantasize about adding additional partners to my relationship.

With Alfie, I hated the idea of him going off and having sex with another person. The threat of him leaving me was always present without any competition, I was too insecure, there were lots of reasons and he did absolutely nothing to settle those fears. If anything, he did things to heighten them and extend them.

With The Boyfriend, I don’t feel immediate rage when I consider him having sex with another person. I feel entirely secure and comfortable in this relationship. Albeit, I’d want to be allowed to have a say in some boundaries and I’d like to be included in a budding relationship and the fantasy only stays hot when those boundaries are in place, but for the most part, I’m incredibly open to the concept of it. When I say this to him, he always says “But I don’t want anyone but you…”. He is a serious monogamist!

If I could though, I think I would choose to be polyamorous.

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TO GET: A Sex Toy… Any Sex Toy!!!

Updates

I didn’t get my first sex toy until I was 23, if I remember correctly. The Boyfriend and I had just begun dating and Alfie was incredibly jealous. To attempt to start a fight, he fished through the sex toy vending machine at his work until he was able to nab me a vibrator. He thought he was so awesome bringing it over. Little did he know that he was just supplying The Boyfriend…

It was better than I had expected it to be. This little one-battery cat head with a tail that acted as a clitoral stimulator (though did a terrible job at it…). It was the first time I had ever experienced vibrations that weren’t caused by a mouth and it was different to say the least.

Then, I got a box of toys that I had intended to sell. It ended up not being sold and instead was distrubuted out to family members and used. None really stood out as total “wow” implements, although some got more use than others. The Boyfriend enjoyed using the dildos and I liked the vibrators again (although found that I couldn’t use them often or it would take longer for me to orgasm – something that I get pretty fed up about when I’m on that mission).

Alas, we had to throw all the sex toys that we had had in the garbage. It was an incredibly sad day. Now, it’s been at least three years since we last used a sex toy…

Ideally, I’d like to get at least two handfuls worth of toys that we used reguarly. But since we’re on a more limited budget, I’m being more realistic and just saying that I want to get a sex toy – any sex toy – and I want it to be by my birthday!!

I think I want to look into getting a Magic Wand, although I’m incredibly iffy about this particular one. I also want a dildo sans vibration, but that’s solely because I know how much The Boyfriend absolutely loves using them. I also haven’t really looked at sex toys in over a year, and I know a few things have changed.

I just want something more than fingers and genitals to use in the bedroom (bathroom, kitchen, forest, car….)…